everything else is sandcastles
Winter is bearing on every space in this house, still - I am finding myself much more tolerant of the cold than I expected; still willing to stay up to the early hours if interest calls me for it, regardless of numb fingertips. I am at least partially equipped - and have spent hundreds on thermals and socks & other little tools we've invented to make the environment less smug about our hairlessness.
These last few weeks have full with development - I have been able to spend some time considering what it is I want of out of this life. Sometimes, if not always - there are only leads & clues; but with intuition & the most truthful outlook that can be summoned; the real ones take shape.
I am finding myself following dreams. One, in particular is four years old, I've thought of it nearly every day since. Related to this are a cluster of others. I am persuing them now, rather than before because I feel that it's entirely a choice; it's not immediately related to how much someone will pay me - or whether I will use it professionally. Finally there's a space in which I feel I can develop as I please - with no institution as my heavyweight safeguard.
The things I write here are often complaints, not the happy things in my world. These complaints are all momentary & generally completely solved within a half hour - and so; they're hardly worth writing about? Perhaps it is putting them to screen that helps them to be solved & dealt with so quickly. In any case. It's not all like that. After that last entry, I was laughing with my flatmate only ten minutes after writing it.
I woke up this morning; and after the customary - 'what 's the bloody day & what's the time?' - normally consuming many seconds of puzzlement - the thought dropped in my head of 'my world is going to change, and I am going to change it & it happens today.'
Some part of my dream world just gave me license to step forth in privacy & space & let go; follow my passions - and it feels so wonderful. I feel so free, happy & consumed with interest that my underlay is synchronised with me.
These last few weeks have full with development - I have been able to spend some time considering what it is I want of out of this life. Sometimes, if not always - there are only leads & clues; but with intuition & the most truthful outlook that can be summoned; the real ones take shape.
I am finding myself following dreams. One, in particular is four years old, I've thought of it nearly every day since. Related to this are a cluster of others. I am persuing them now, rather than before because I feel that it's entirely a choice; it's not immediately related to how much someone will pay me - or whether I will use it professionally. Finally there's a space in which I feel I can develop as I please - with no institution as my heavyweight safeguard.
The things I write here are often complaints, not the happy things in my world. These complaints are all momentary & generally completely solved within a half hour - and so; they're hardly worth writing about? Perhaps it is putting them to screen that helps them to be solved & dealt with so quickly. In any case. It's not all like that. After that last entry, I was laughing with my flatmate only ten minutes after writing it.
I woke up this morning; and after the customary - 'what 's the bloody day & what's the time?' - normally consuming many seconds of puzzlement - the thought dropped in my head of 'my world is going to change, and I am going to change it & it happens today.'
Some part of my dream world just gave me license to step forth in privacy & space & let go; follow my passions - and it feels so wonderful. I feel so free, happy & consumed with interest that my underlay is synchronised with me.
11 Comments:
Did you know I'm going to be a father soon?
i wander what it will be and it;'s name... i wonder if the sun is really as hot as we are led to believe and Jesus might have been bisexual because, he wanted to be.
i got the initial 'wonder' wrong, i'm feeling the effects of oneblacks firm hand.
I am so happy & excited for you cade. congratulations to you and lisa! that's wonderful. please blog some more - and open your comments!
And she was never heard from again…
Because she decided she like hanging out at flickr better.
So?
Is it really that much nicer there then here?
not really. though much less worldly?
where's my choclit cake?
It has been over a year since I've been here.
I thought I'd browse just a few old posts & other blogs I'd linked to. It became apparent how much I have changed since I was a blogger. What also struck me was how little other blogs had actually changed, and how self indulgent the blog medium can be.
Oh, I knew this when I used to blog. A part of me felt that I was giving myself a gift. It's absolutely not a gift to often lament about uncertainties and bitter-sweet I-remember-whens. People end up sounding sixty at thirty.
I suppose I just don't have time for that in my life anymore. There are things I aspire to that far surpass what I used to fill my head with, or at least reinforce, by writing about. All those uncertain things that were in my life, I have made decisions about and moved on. My life and I are dramatically different and continue to become more so.
It is so clear to me now how powerful writing really is in directing the mind. I spend much more time reading these days - about an hour and a half every day. The power of reading is also incredible. Discovering new possibilities is so much more exciting than rehashing what's curious about the things that I had long ago secretly decided were impossibilities. Talking about things I knew the answer to, but hid it well somewhere - hoping that things would somehow be different by simply moving in the same direction & being whoever I thought I had to be.
I have known people in my life who never seemed to talk about whatever random event they found negative on a particular day. To me, the neverending positivity was hard to bear - as it seemed so insincere. I still think it's important to honestly discuss things that aren't altogether rosy. However what I have learned, is that focus is a choice - and choosing to focus consistently on an ugly view of life forms an ugly world view.
It really is fairly simple. Venting is a beast that pretends to make us feel better (and there are definitely exceptions to this rule) - however in secret, it only serves to perpetuate what we're venting about. What we need, is a change in perspective - a continually dedication contributing to the shift to where we want to be.
Blogging can serve people to sit around, express and wait. It's just one stake in the digital swarms of identities - all claiming who-they-are. Do people really need so much time to claim or document who they are if they're about being who they are? Isn't that really more fun?
Is blogging often just about the desire for security and validation of identity?
I think yes. There's the element of documenting a life through blogging, which I think is very useful. Yet too often this slips into the confirmation of uncertainties that should be straight forward decisions. There's community support for a superficial notation of complexities and frailties of the human condition in this newfound world. Really though, it's just a way to hesitate in a really-okay-place for a little too long, and extend life - as it should be known to us in a brief instant of time, into an epic 2d venture with all kinds of people buying in.
i suppose i would argue that you are simultaneously participating in and criticizing the world of blogging with the statements that you're making. i'm not really sure where one can find higher ground when indicting the recounting of people's lives while simultaneously describing her own and the philosophy that follows.
not that there's anything wrong with that. i get the impression that your whole thrust here is to live life for its own sake, which doesn't particularly preclude the enjoyment of any one thing; i simply fail to understand any division which separates the real life from one which is superficial. and sure, people write what they write for petty reasons, for therapy, to have an audience, out of pure vanity or spite. but i hardly think that i understand the grand result of all that, and honestly find it very hard to stomach criticism from anyone regarding how i conduct myself. i probably always will.
anyway. your blog was good a for a little bit. i enjoyed reading it. and i've enjoyed writing mine. but at the end of the day it's hardly something that i consider to be my greatest work or even a particularly defining part of my life. it's just a public account of what's going on in my head, and whether it's there to assuage my insecurities or express my creative ideas of test the faith of my audience, it still seems far too versatile a tool to pigeonhole in the way you have done.
at least that's what i think.
Nine, thanks for your response. I still hold the same view as my prior comment for the most part - though agree that the final paragraph pigeon-holed far too much.
"Is blogging often just about the desire for security and validation of identity?
I think yes. There's the element of documenting a life through blogging, which I think is very useful. Yet too often this slips into the confirmation of uncertainties that should be straight forward decisions. There's community support for a superficial notation of complexities and frailties of the human condition in this newfound world. Really though, it's just a way to hesitate in a really-okay-place for a little too long, and extend life - as it should be known to us in a brief instant of time, into an epic 2d venture with all kinds of people buying in."
I should have re-worded those last two sentences so that they weren't so pointed.
I don't know if this blog was ever good, though appreciate you saying that it was for a time. There were moments of absolute clarity, where I felt completely blessed. There is no doubt that these moments would not have come without blogging.
The flip side (at least the tail end) of my original comment is that life can be about appreciation of the small things. There are a lot of people promoting the beauty of these things instead of focusing on negatives.. so many ways to look at it. I just wanted to note how powerful the written word is to the writer's direction. This idea is not new, however was so clear to me after taking many steps back.
I acknowledge that not every minute can be spent in pursuit of an ever-growing, energetic powerhouse of life. Thoughtful people will always need time alone, to contemplate, decompress & write words.
Over the last month I've allowed some self indulgence in the written word again, by way of email and chat. The longest stretch - two and a half days straight, hardly eating or sleeping. Now that's something I haven't done in five years, maybe not even then. The only similar thing I've experienced online has petered out to nothing at all.
Perhaps this is an acceptable use-by date of friendships, perhaps I changed, perhaps he did. Maybe I couldn't give him what he wanted anymore. Maybe we just got too busy. I can't help but be disappointed though - it seemed we shared a lot of history.
Online communications in whatever form will always come with more doubt than the real thing. And so I'm left now, still wondering - how different things are in text? How different I am? How valid the 2D version of us all is. I know I'm not the only one thinking about this.
The new online conversation/friendship (strictly friends-only - unlike the previous one) has become somewhat consuming. It's what I think about in those quiet moments each day. As far as unraveling mysteries, some unknown to have existed before they stepped online, is there anything better than never-ending texual conversation? It can only serve to make us more self aware?
Perhaps the online conversation is just the blog alternative - just slightly more willing to put itself up for judgement / interaction with a singular person.
In any case, I definitely think blogging and online relationships (friendships)are completely valid. I just think we need to understand their power in influencing life direction & cannot ignore the social responsibility to effectively question the truth of all such relationships.
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