battery liaison

everything else is sandcastles

2006-06-04T11:08:00.000+10:00

Winter is bearing on every space in this house, still - I am finding myself much more tolerant of the cold than I expected; still willing to stay up to the early hours if interest calls me for it, regardless of numb fingertips. I am at least partially equipped - and have spent hundreds on thermals and socks & other little tools we've invented to make the environment less smug about our hairlessness.

These last few weeks have full with development - I have been able to spend some time considering what it is I want of out of this life. Sometimes, if not always - there are only leads & clues; but with intuition & the most truthful outlook that can be summoned; the real ones take shape.

I am finding myself following dreams. One, in particular is four years old, I've thought of it nearly every day since. Related to this are a cluster of others. I am persuing them now, rather than before because I feel that it's entirely a choice; it's not immediately related to how much someone will pay me - or whether I will use it professionally. Finally there's a space in which I feel I can develop as I please - with no institution as my heavyweight safeguard.

The things I write here are often complaints, not the happy things in my world. These complaints are all momentary & generally completely solved within a half hour - and so; they're hardly worth writing about? Perhaps it is putting them to screen that helps them to be solved & dealt with so quickly. In any case. It's not all like that. After that last entry, I was laughing with my flatmate only ten minutes after writing it.

I woke up this morning; and after the customary - 'what 's the bloody day & what's the time?' - normally consuming many seconds of puzzlement - the thought dropped in my head of 'my world is going to change, and I am going to change it & it happens today.'

Some part of my dream world just gave me license to step forth in privacy & space & let go; follow my passions - and it feels so wonderful. I feel so free, happy & consumed with interest that my underlay is synchronised with me.

hiding out

2006-05-24T19:04:00.000+10:00

life is the master of veiled despondence, she gravitates to the perfect image - feeling extreme beauty and anger all at once. I wait for her in the form of a man with some sense of emotional interlude. I suspect that this is waiting for the impossible. in denial. I wait for the one who can show me that there's some reason in all of that pretense. no one I am interested in is ever allowed. at least I've found somewhere I might be able to hide out for a while.

doctordoolittlegeek

2006-05-22T17:04:00.000+10:00

holy
Originally uploaded by boxen.

I am feeling rather shitty today - don't think I slept enough last night. the weekend - while immensely productive, was solitary & lacking sunshine. my only point of social contact all weekend was doctordoolittle - who's informed me yesterday that he's flying up shortly & would like to catch up. went through the whole very-boring routine of nosexishappening - and I'mnotinterested - and it was all very okay until he mentioned someone he slept with recently who I knew a long time ago & totally did not like, and evidentally he liked just_enough to be able to screw - which made me wonder if he's just plain desperate.

While I have no interest with being involved with him on a physical level - as far as I'm concerned he's a slut; and they're no good to have around. he comes across as meek and mildmannered, and they're the most dangerous of all. I made it all very clear, as always. I really don't know why I maintain any hope in mankind. they're all so disappointing.

Now what may happen is one of two things. He comes here - we're bored with each other; which really could happen very easily. Or - it's very easy to not care as I trust in what he has said; and become totally carefree. Apparently the best way of getting a guy to be interested is to treat him like a friend (said with bitter irony). Then he will do all but propose & will serve me with a friendship ultimatum.

I so rang my ex-friend up and sobbed over the phone. I have neverever done that before. I just had a crap week full of morbidity and mortality. seem to have gotten a grip now - sometimes it's easy to realise that you haven't done what you wanted to do here.

I wish I wanted a family.

compartmentalized

2006-05-13T13:48:00.000+10:00

actress chick is tearing the place apart in a very unfriendly way. funny - since I told her last night that I was gonna do this today, amongst so many other things. you'd think that since it's mostly my stuff - she's let me take care of it. I was in two minds about the style of the kitchen - sometimes it's good to be at home & have some things about - makes it homely. she's going fully minimalist. which is cool too; I dig that - but for fucks sake - all she had to do was say she didn't like it & it would have been changed. I didn't even know she wasn't into it.

I'm hiding out in my room now - which gives me the shits - because I had so much planned today. I do have constructive things to do here - it's just not what I planned. I'm not just talking a little - it makes my blood boil and brings tears to my eyes. leaving the room is really the best I've got. if there's one thing I can't tolerate - it's someone moving my shit around. especially when they pick things up & say "what the fuck is this?" it's mine, you know it is. you don't want it there - fine; but don't be so rude.

I am good at being compartmentalized and impersonal. so honey - you want it - you got it. coming down tonight - everything that's mine. no pictures. no nothing. I have my space, you don't come into it. fuck you. you won't know what hit you. just when we had this whole shared decorationscene going on. I no longer trust her around anything that belongs to me. not totally awful. some sort of separation of powers just happened for sure. I'm not the chatty girlfriend. I don't care. my life, your life. I'm sure it will be a whole lot more productive that way.

perhaps this has always been just part of the path in establishing territorial space.

thank god I'm getting together a new room out the back which is mine solely for the purpose of restructuring such emotions into something powerful.

I'm feeling really fucking pissed off.

wired like that

2006-05-02T12:17:00.000+10:00

I discovered last night that I need a muscular form to be into sex. It's not like I didn't try, and I pulled it off - it just did little to nothing for me. Just as women are expected to keep petite, men are expected to keep well-muscled. It's such a transitory thing - muscles; they can waste away in weeks - just as women can get fat in the same time. I wish I didn't have this need; as I've got far from a perfect body. I suppose there's no hiding skinny bones under the fingertips, but fleshliness feels okay to push against - much better; be it fat or muscle.

It may be superficial, but it's even. I'm just not into skinny boys. They've gotta have pecs & biceps & triceps. Lats and traps not so important. Ass helps. I wish I could trade brain & bum; and bum does waste away - but I need bum. It's gotta be possible to have both.

It becomes increasingly evident every day that the boy and I have brains universes apart - and moreso the longer he spends away from the gym.

the concept of dishonesty

2006-05-01T17:23:00.000+10:00

an internetboyfriend, a residual temptation, a boyfriend too?

where are my morals? sometimes I think I should have removed all contact with my online love affair; but for the most part - we're not sexually involved anymore - and when it looks like that - we stop.

the aeon in my world knows about everyone I have contact with who is of masculine consequence. I tell him this.

fly away

to my internet lover

2006-05-01T16:57:00.000+10:00

you're the only internet lover I have ever had.

the truth is that you let your dreams die by way of mediocrity. you raise the mundane to a spiritual level. it could be romantic for a while if you thought something deeper of it other than that it was your only choice.

still - what we all want is spilt blood, something more than the essentials. I agree - it's against the laws of nature. but, it's how it is. we still want to know that we've got balls.

we'll always want more of what we can't have; not more of what we can.

in a decade

2006-05-01T15:47:00.000+10:00

goldfish

2006-04-30T14:38:00.000+10:00

sometimes I think I'd be better
off going out with a goldfish;
at least input gets five seconds of processing time
- before being lost forever

hurting just enough

2006-04-25T12:49:00.000+10:00

heard a band I love, playing out loud across the city & I chased it for hours, I was drunk and slipping and sliding over my words. smoked a cigarette. finished with this futility. today my head hurts just enough for me for it to all be over. there are real adventures to be had.

there's always a choice

2006-04-23T12:56:00.000+10:00

hyena ravages the carcass again.

"I don't, I don't wanna see you hanging. Pieces falling from my head now, It's hard to imagine.. Why don't you go away? Double this one, for all the times you sang, why not. Hey what do you think? Silly question, soon as I've seized the day." - seize the day : end of fashion

I am the rationalist responsible for his ten year fall from grace. Surely life had nothing to do with it. Seemingly - it's easy to be head-over-heels in love with someone you only see bi-yearly. It's crazy how quickly I forgot the last time he left. My heart is in tatters as my best friend resigns. Again. I'm a fool. So empty about it that now it comes out void of emotion. I've been on the edge all week. A mess. This isn't some joe - he'd easily go up there as soulmate.

I am seriously over men. The phrase that applies here is: "you just don't do that to mates" - and as much as I hate to agree with our patriotic cliches; the culture permeates me. I am so imperfect in an indescribable number of ways that he could find a way to think through this. He chooses not to. I wish I could find the reason why, or why not. For one insane moment I thought of marrying him myself, just so I wouldn't have to lose him forever. Has it all been a lie?

if I'm the only woman he could have really been with - why walk away? I was not flirtatious with him. All we do is talk. We were hardly ever alone. I did all the right things. I didn't speak about men or boyfriends hardly ever. I kept my distance just right. men are so disloyal, they just call it 'in-love'.

" youth is wasted on the young "

2006-04-18T22:41:00.000+10:00

another chapter ended, they all end so easily these days, don't they; with just a moment to become them - and not even a decent description to grace the many days of drama that consume the tens of hours and then, before too long - a year. I came so hard and so long last night that it's quite difficult to think of life in quite the same way afterwards. I find I do though, with hard pressing decisions calling the right words into impromptu action & least one person who's prepared to call on those words somewhere in the near future and have me change their world.. one other who I blew away with the gravity of truth and care that I can deliver with careful consideration - that something so much more important has become me.

I haven't changed that much, somehow I grew older & people started hearing me. Now it seems that suddenly they're not so complex & I know them all. I am not immune to the possibility that I will repeat that same phrase in possibly a month or a year from now.

2006-04-16T15:29:00.000+10:00

a blank world

is a beautiful world.

.

dealbreaker

2006-04-15T07:13:00.000+10:00

by "Kike"

the newest member of the clan is a blonde bombshell, who's really full-on. that's an understatement. she's extraordinarily mad, and just doesn't ever shutup. at all. last night I learned of a rat-canine, who she wants to put in the backyard. not happening. on the day that she enveloped us, an old euro girl messaged us back about coming here again in a few weeks. I just wanna kick bombshell out.

drugfucked parrot

2006-04-14T16:11:00.000+10:00

no matter how much I attempt a no-judgment policy, the bottom line is that currently, aeon just does not possess the smarts. most times he's like a drugfucked parrot who doesn't hear anything I say & just gives conditioned, non intuitive, non informative and uninteresting responses. I am beginning to understand that it's possible that many mainstream boys are this way. only-boring-people-get-bored?

2006-04-14T07:39:00.000+10:00

hyena has asked me to join him in a beachshacky type arrangement - wherein only a queen bed is contained for a minimum three day stay. "it's not appropriate," d'ya think? seems he's pulling another fast one.

lifesswell, the newest house member might be heading into-the-desert post boy-desertation. the latest one, to move in this afternoon was chosen really for her, now it looks as though I might have a bubbling entertainment-industrial dynamo bouncing off the walls. bugger-it.

nothing exceptional to report. lots happening, just not worthy of punching out the letters.

alone

2006-04-08T14:11:00.000+10:00

twenty-four hours alone, and two hours into it, suddenly I want sex, after being totally disinterested for a whole bellyful of while now. nevermind, it's not happening - this solitude is so much more important. I'm ecstatic that I can guarantee the knocks on the door have expired & have been shipped off to some faraway place for a long, long time. only-children can be so demanding. euro-versions of them seem extreme in this regard.

I am going to create havoc, then I'll create a new world. I'll do it in pieces with a wine entourage. I'm going to paint and re-wire, dispose of & fold & pack & pluck & scrub. at some point, there'll be at least a few lines of loud offtune lyrics spat out. if it all gets too much I can always turn to master rabbit for help.

in the uberverse: work is interesting, I'm working on a deliciousproject. it turns me on, can't wait to get a proper grip on it. someone cornered me all intent of naming the workcrusher, but I told them I wasn't interested in knowing, although I must say it's doing my head in & making me slightly paranoid & completely carefree all at once. I figure there have to be at least a couple of cubes between us for someone to be game to mention it. I am working on playing up the ignorance now - because despite my state of attachment & lacking vision where boys are concerned, the bottom line remains - that work is another world, place and time - and the two dimensions should wherever possible, remain separate.

eleventh hour

2006-04-06T20:10:00.000+10:00

( Infinity v2 by JavaMoose )

Wait and see what they say on the eleventh hour before leaving the country, packing their bags. It's then when they'll reveal themselves. It's then that you'll know about the thin lines and where they were crossed. It's then they'll release short sharp bursts of ammunition - reworking all the things they knew about you.

and they may not know it, but they've been released. It was, as originally predicted, originally suspected - and those lines tracing the globe will hasten in their erasure; just one more small wrinkle uniting previously warring nations.

on the way to hell

2006-04-04T21:42:00.000+10:00

he's sitting out there with the image of a famous woman; the one I find the most beautiful in the world. she's here in the flesh now, every molecule in perfect alignment. I live with her. all new. will this serve to corrupt any man's former passion for me? she is truly divine, and so fresh - friendly, funny, full of life. great as a friend; but keep the boys away. haven't breathed a word the past hour, don't think he really noticed. somewhere around that place where his voice became heightened - and he started talking about himself; cracking unimpressive jokes about how handsome he was & ratted on about himself incessantly, excitedly. she giggled, he thought she was impressed. he thought he was impressive. he's talking so fucking loudly. he's giggling now, again. I just can't stand the thought of sharing a bed with him tonight - it makes me sick to the core.

there'll always be someone prettier. and now I understand those scornful looks from older women, while their husbands faces light up in passing.

someone at work has a crush on me, only no one is saying who it is. I think I know who, though. I think he's married. does it ever stop? men really cannot be worth the effort.

something, anything: rather ironic, stop groaning!

2006-03-23T01:39:00.000+10:00

thought I couldn't use the title fucking ironic, since I've said fucking way too much lately. many noisy european fuckings in the next room as I type this. it's all good and fair and all - just wish I could even up the score by having my own session. a little. just glad I could be a part of the wine indoctrinated conversational foreplay. I mean, aside being over those sub-human desires and all..

so. uhm. I finally came up with a kick-ass argument for hyena. at least I did in my partially conscious brain as I was falling asleep last night - and part of it scribbled itself out amongst tonights wine, hopefully hyena will be more curious to help or hinder the dealings than tonight's casual though altogether wonderful audience.

oh!

2006-03-21T07:52:00.000+10:00

multiplezorgasmszarezsuperzswish; and they help a person wake up in the morning too. I am meant to be going away for a dirtyzweekend but some of me would like to stay & become one with this newfound power.

I'm pretty sure they're better than almost everything. girls are very well constructed creatures, I think. much more technical than boys, or maybe just less understood. very cool in any case.

2006-03-19T14:47:00.000+10:00

drinkin, dancin (accidental of course)talkin, networkin, taxi-in, jokin, flirtin, sleepin-in-movie'n, plannin, cryin, familyin, sillyin, sexin, cuddlin, cookin, laughin, meetin, listenin, watchin.

time

2006-03-16T06:52:00.000+10:00

time can only be SPENT
time CAN only be spent.
time can only BE spent.
TIME can only be spent.
time can ONLY be spent.

2006-03-12T21:16:00.000+10:00

fucking love this song

all laid up

2006-03-12T19:03:00.000+10:00

all I can think about is sex. my brain has hereby melted with an overdose of rampant fertility hormones. I do believe that this is the single most fertile weekend of my entire existence. I even mentioned to my flatmate that I was just about to place a booty call, who has given the walls a good hammer with-her-gay-ex-boyf & is currently in the midst of doing a quick-search for a partner-in-marriage. my other flatmate is moving out, due to lack of comfort in the establishment. maybe she overheard some recent very-open conversations with remiss, an american associate (who I cover many things non sex related with also). we spent most of the afternoons interviewing-this-person-and-that-person.

god it must suck to be male. and some guy is going to get an earful crashing on our loungeroom floor tonight. her future husband? oh beautiful red tape. so very inorganic.